The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
