I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
