You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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