there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
