the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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