I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
