So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
