The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ladies don't puke and tell
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
