I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
