Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
