Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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