Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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