Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
the liver wants what the liver wants
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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