the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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