i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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