Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
