I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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