So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
