I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
