Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
