The maid of honor just puked.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
