i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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