You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
