I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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