Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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