She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Houston, we have a blender
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
