my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
