I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
