They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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