No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
