you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
