So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
zippers are such a cool invention
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
