apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
