she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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