thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
