she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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