So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
