3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
