Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
