Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
