Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
