How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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