I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
