I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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