I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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