So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
