Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
