I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
