I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
