she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
