This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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