you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
